December is a special month for many reasons. It is time of family gathering, reflection and ritual. At no time of the year are we pulled, physically, financially and emotionally in so many directions. It doesn’t have to be this way.

It is easy to look at the holiday season and be cynical about all the ridiculous trappings that go with this time of year. I’ll try and restrain myself here and not point out the obvious. OK... cutting down a douglas fir, letting it dry out in your living room for a month and covering it with electrical wires and flammable objects is a little weird. Singing songs about snow in southern California always struck me as strange. I never dreamed of a white Christmas. I was born in Los Angeles. Snow is simply not part of the holiday equation. I don’t think it snows much in Palestine where Jesus was born either.

I must admit, I have always been a big fan of the itinerant sage from the little town of Bethlehem. Regardless of the beliefs, superstitions or rational thoughts you may have on these matters, it is safe to say, if more of us behaved like this cat, the world would be a better place.  This modest man with a very simple yet resoundingly wonderful message was born some two thousand years ago. That message has been an inspiration to many and sadly has been co-opted by a number of people, groups and organizations to forward their own nefarious agendas. It is too bad because that whole “do unto others” stuff just might work. As he said “in as much as you’ve done it to the least of my bretheren, you’ve done it unto me.” Matthew 25:40

December also marks the eighth anniversary of the death of James Brown. The Godfather of Funk died on December 25^th, 2006. This means there is absolutely no excuse to get up offa that thing and get down with your bad self. It is a time when we can all stay on the scene....this December may I suggest that we take the most tired, nauseating Christmas album in our library and throw it in the open fire next to the roasting chestnuts and get lit up to James “Butane” Brown and the Fabulous Flames. Even though soul brother number one left us eight years ago, I urge you to keep him in your heart and celebrate Funkmas with me.  

I know I am fighting many years of tradition here so I suggest some of you start out slowly. For instance don’t scrap the whole stuffed turkey right away.  Just replace the creamed corn with some greens and work from there. If you want to go straight for the Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, that is cool but like many things in life, baby steps might work best. May I suggest you replace mince meat pie with sweet potato pie. That should be easy. Each year, add a Funkmas trapping to your holiday and before you know it December will be a much more rewarding and enriching experience for the whole family.

Take one cardboard cutout of a snow man or elf in your yard and replace him with a life sized six- foot three- inch plastic replica of Bootsy Collins*. I mentioned this to friend a couple of years ago while talking on a cell phone with a bad connection. A few weeks later I went to his house for a holiday gathering and he had a life sized Joan Collins blow up doll standing in the living room. It was very creepy. His wife was pissed. I changed my cell phone provider.  

So be careful with Funkmas. You don’t want to over reach. You certainly don’t want to offend anybody. Who knows you better than your family and friends, so whatever trappings of Funkmas you decide to incorporate into your holiday traditions, you will know how far to go. For instance, it took three years for a friend of mine to notice that I replaced the three wise men in a nativity scene with Fred Wesley, Maceo Parker and Pee Wee Ellis. By the time she realized this, it dawned on us that the baby Jesus probably was not that hip to gold, frankincense and myrrh anyway. Everything was cool, but not everybody is so flexible. Remember nothing is scarier than a pissed off Christian. So be careful.

However you choose to celebrate the holiday season remember please, please please... be good, be wise, be humble, be kind, be gentle, have a good time and hit it on the one.

*Note that the yard Bootsy with platform shoes and hat is well over seven feet tall. It is a good idea to trim any low hanging branches in your yard before installation. Another holiday tip is to bring your yard Bootsy in at night. In 2007, I was sound asleep only to be awakened by police officers screaming at my yard decoration to, “Hit the ground mother f*cker.” The inanimate object was doused with pepper spray and severely damaged by night sticks.    

To help gain a better understanding of Funkmas, the following are the ten most frequently asked questions regarding this holiday.

Q: Why Funkmas and why now? 

A: Why not. No seriously, many people think that James Brown was the quintestial 20^th century American. He symbolized all that is great about us and some things that aren’t so great. Whatever he did, good or bad he did it in a big way. He was industrious, hard working, loud, over the top, not afraid to go against the grain. He was a leader and not a follower. He was an innovator. He was a shining example of what one man can achieve through sheer determination and hard work. He was relentless and he was fun. He was not perfect and we can learn from that as well. Jesus was a Middle Eastern kid raised by a step dad and a stay at home mom. Yet like JB, he became the classic over achiever. He was often misunderstood and clearly ahead of his time. He stuck it to the man and was tortured and murdered for doing so. He was a heroic figure and it is a wonderful thing that we celebrate his birth. Things got screwed up though the years here in America as most, if not all, the trappings of Christmas have come from European secular and pagan traditions. James Brown, like blues music for instance, is purely American. I have to admit I am partial to this concept and it is why Funkmas has always resonated with me.

Q: By celebrating Funkmas am I, in any way shape or form, being sacrilegious?

A: Hell no.

Q: A friend told me that when he started celebrating Funkmas he could stop pretending to like fruitcake. Is this true?

A: Yes! Your friend is a wise man and has captured the true meaning of Funkmas. It is ALL about truth and not about subjugation, lies and pretending. For instance you can believe that Jesus was the son of God and stop pretending he was born on December 25^th. He wasn’t. Most people know that, but we go along with it because it has become part of the natural rhythm of things. I have no problem with anybody celebrating anything at any time. I am perfectly fine with celebrating Christmas on December 25^th . I often wish James Brown had died on another day. It confuses and sometimes dilutes some of the central themes that are associated with Funkmas.

Q: My kids are little and they just love Santa. Do we have to break down and tell them that Santa is a crock of sh*t?

A: This is where things get a little sticky. I can’t speak for all Funkalogians who in seven short years have become a little preachy and sanctimonious about the whole thing. I’ll bet there are just about the same percentage of Funkalogians who engage in subterfuge with their children as non-Funkalogians. At the same time, many folks who celebrate Funkmas were never able to get away with telling their kids that a fat, white dude was going to break into their house and bring them things. Kids are smart these days (well some kids anyway); you start slingin’ that hash at them and they are likely to come back and say, “yea mom and I suppose now you are going to tell me that Republicans have our best interest at heart and reindeers can fly.” I am speaking only for myself and not other Funkalogians when I say, let’s keep lying to our kids. However, I think it would help if we updated the whole Santa thing a bit. The chimney part of the story for instance doesn’t work. Many people these days don’t have chimneys in their homes. Hell, many people don’t have homes. I would think this is something Christians would be hip to and try and do something about. I am sure I have to brush up on my new testament but I don’t recall Jesus encountering a dying man on the street and saying unto him, “sorry you poor bastard if you had more self reliance and a better health plan I would heal thee. Oh, and while I have this crowd together, don’t you think it would be nice if we gave Harod a tax break. That’s all the time we have for you tonight you can catch me at the Sea of Galilee on the fifteenth and in Jerusalem at the end of the month.”

Q: By worshiping James Brown aren’t we breaking one or more of the Ten Commandments.

A: Funkalogians don’t worship James Brown any more than others worship Santa Claus, Bing Crosby or the Mall this time of year. He is just a symbolic figure that brings joy to our lives and makes better music than Perry Como. I know I am going to take a lot of heat for saying this, but James Brown is not a deity in the strict sense of the word and in my view anyway should not be worshipped as such.

Q: Dave, what do you eat for your traditional Funkmas dinner?

A:Whatever I damn well please. That’s the beauty of Funkmas. Whatever I choose to eat, it will be a lot better than turkey. That bird is a pain in the ass to cook, often comes out dry, makes you sleepy, gives you gout and, quite frankly, I am just a little tired of the whole thing. The traditions and trappings of Funkmas are that there are no traditions. Different families celebrate in different ways. Very often southern style cooking and soul food have come to be associated with a Funkmas dinner. Like JB who changed his approach to music, his bands and his choreography through the years, I try and keep my Funkmas dinner special each year and not try and replicate what I ate last year. This year for instance I am barbequing beef ribs in a Webber Smokey Joe. My sides are garlic mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. For desert, pecan pie with a little vanilla ice cream. December 25^th is several weeks away so I may change my mind several times during this time of Funkiness. You however will never, ever catch me standing in line for a honey baked ham.

Q: I was watching Fox news and they said that Funkmas is bad for the economy. What do you think?

A:Well for starters you should stop watching Fox news. Funkmas represents a mild departure from the usual trappings of Christmas. Therefore this change is sometimes misunderstood and condemned by the conservative movement in this country. It is hard to keep up with all the things conservatives don’t understand. For instance in those circles it has become fashionable to blame a black man for the bad economy, yet the biggest shopping day of the year is called Black Friday. I admit this can seem very confusing.  Funkmas isn’t about the pressure to make the correct purchases for your loved ones but enjoying their company in a fun, happy and danceable manner. It is not about shopping. It is about love. It is not about commercialism, but about soulfulness. I suspect as Funkmas becomes more mainstream, corporate America will figure out a way to make a buck out of this as well. In the meantime I wouldn’t worry too much about the Funkmas, doomsday media frenzy.

Q:What about the decorations. I like putting lights up on the house. Is that something Funkalogians are cool with?

A: You have got to be kidding me. Do you think Christians have a monopoly on bad taste? Paleeeeeez! If the birth of a baby in a manger 2000 years ago can inspire an elaborate display of electricity, what do you think the hardest working man in showbiz would feel about such garish displays of seasonal spirit? As far as Funkmas decorations are concerned it’s pretty much, anything goes. I would however check with your local zoning laws and your homeowner’s insurance policy. Many legally sold Funkmas displays are not necessarily legal in all parts of the country. We all read what happened to George Clinton last year and I wouldn’t want to see that happen to any of our readers here at BLUES JUNCTION.  

Q: I am going to my first Funkmas celebration this year. I don’t want to make any awkward social guffaws. Do you have any tips for me?

A: Yes. Don’t bring a fruitcake or a mince meat pie. I also strongly urge you to pick up a pamphlet called, Mistletoe and Funkmas: Things You NEED to Know, as the rules of the road here are very different as it relates to this sprig. I would elaborate further but this is a family “publication” and these Funkmas mistletoe traditions are for consenting adults only.

Q: How has celebrating Funkmas changed your life?

A: Good question... In many ways it has liberated me from the traditions and rituals that I never understood in the first place and that have nothing to do with the central message of Jesus. The music is much better and that, for me, is a big plus. More importantly Funkmas is inclusive. My friends from all backgrounds and beliefs can come together and get funky. We can reflect on what we can do to make the world a better place. We can set an example by getting down with our bad selves and having a funky good time. This behavior won’t solve all the world’s problems over night. It is however a good start and worth a try.