Yesterday afternoon at about 1:00pm I saw Santa Claus riding a Harley on Pacific Coast Highway in Huntington Beach, California. I didn’t think much of it. He had the full get up, the red clothing and what not. In compliance with California law, he was wearing a helmet. One side of the protective headgear was painted to resemble his trademark pointed hat flopping down over to one side. This would have looked real silly, if it was anyone other than Santa.

I was out for a bicycle ride on this beautiful day. As I was heading out on the bike trail on the beach, the thought occurred to me, “What is Santa doing out this time of year? Isn’t this his busy season?”

The thought passed and I continued several miles north at a comfortable clip. About an hour or so into my ride, I rolled past a small tavern. I heard blues music emanating from the jukebox inside.

With all this exercise I had developed quite a thirst, so I stopped in for a beer. I pulled up a bar stool and came face to face with one of the most agreeable looking bartenders I have ever seen. She was a brunette blessed with high cheek bones and a smile that made this weary traveler very glad he decided to make time for a beer.

To make matters even more pleasant, the sounds of an old Roy Hawkins record were blasting from the jukebox in the corner of the small, and mostly empty, establishment. I turned toward the jukebox and there was Santa Claus himself picking out the tunes. I then noticed his red helmet and heavy coat were sitting on the bar stool next to mine. I have to admit I was kind of excited. I grew up in the Los Angeles area, so celebrity sightings are not that unusual. Through my association with the blues world I have been very fortunate to meet many of my heroes, so I usually don’t get too excited about a serendipitous celebrity encounter. This however was different. This was Santa.

As he lingered over the jukebox, I turned my attention back to the bartender and the cold beer that was waiting for me. I introduced myself to her. Her name was Holly. Her green eyes were radiant. I was mesmerized. She wore a red knit turtleneck sweater that clung tightly to her lean yet curvaceous frame. She then leaned over the bar as if to say something to me. I leaned over to meet her half way. She whispered in a husky yet sensual voice, “Did you see who is over there playing the jukebox? I’ll introduce the two of you.” When she whispered in my ear, I could smell a hint of eggnog on her breath. I knew I only had a minute or so to engage her in conversation before Santa returned to his bar stool. I told her that she looked ready for the holidays with a red sweater and green eyes. She smiled and said, “Well, I had better be.”

Just then Santa sat down and Holly introduced us. Santa said, “Oh yeah, I remember Christmas 1965, Sandy Koufax baseball glove.” I thanked him for the glove and we engaged in the usual small talk. Holly entered the conversation periodically.

I was flattered when she seemed to take an interest in me and asked what kind of work I did. Before I could answer, Santa told her that I am a writer and an editor. I told Santa that I was impressed that he knew that.  He smiled and gave me a self-assured modest shrug.

I told him that I respected his privacy and did not want to intrude on his leisure time, but wondered if I might ask a few more questions. He suggested we make it a full interview. Needless to say, I was thrilled. This had just turned into a journalist’s dream.

Before we got started he reached into his coat pocket which was slung over the back of the bar stool and pulled out a waiver and had me sign a contract. Pretty standard stuff, mostly legal boiler plate; the only stipulation he put on the session was that there were to be no pictures and that I could not reveal our exact location as he liked to hang out at this joint and not be bothered with paparazzi.

There were only a couple of questions relating to his personal life, mostly having to do with his age and some health related items, that were off limits. I could live with all of these things and he agreed to make this an exclusive. We moved to a table away from the bar and in a secluded corner of the small tavern.  

Enjoy a conversation I had with the one and only, Santa Claus.

David Mac (DM): Thanks for doing this interview, as I appreciate your privacy and need to maintain a certain mystique. First question: May I call you Santa?

Santa Claus: (SC): Actually, I prefer it. I think you will find that I am quite informal. The mystique you refer to comes from various literary interpretations through the years. It doesn’t necessarily reflect who I am but I don’t mind it. It is all part of the magic of the holidays.

DM: I notice you use the term ‘holidays’ and not Christmas. What do you think about those who claim that there is some kind of attack on Christmas? 

SC: All this nonsense about Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays is a bunch of crap. You and everyone else with half a brain knows it as well. This attack on Christmas and Christianity is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Fortunately this type of silliness is limited to the United States. I don’t care if somebody celebrates Christmas, Chanukah, Funkmas, Kwanzas, Festivus or anything else. I have been around a long time and as I’m sure you are aware, I am also very well traveled, but this one...I just don’t get.

DM: Neither do I, however, I do appreciate the music you played on the jukebox. How and when did you first get into listening to blues music?

SC: It was just few years ago actually. I have relatives in Norway and I visit there in the summer. They are always trying to get me to come down right after Christmas. I have an office and home at the North Pole, so when I go on holiday it sure as hell isn’t going to be Norway in the winter time.

Anyway, one summer I attended a blues festival in Norway with some friends and I was hooked immediately. We listen to blues year round at the North Pole now. Everyone was getting really sick of Christmas music anyway. The elves like it and our productivity has increased since we started playing blues music in the various manufacturing plants up at the pole. Worker morale has gone through the roof since we started playing this music. Absenteeism and sick days have been reduced dramatically.

I would have done this sooner, but I didn’t know anything about blues music. I thought it was supposed to be sad or make you sad. Like I said, I didn’t know anything about it. I made some incorrect assumptions as to what this music is all about. I didn’t think because of who I am or where I am from that I could relate to the music. I also thought somehow blues music would conflict with my public persona of being jolly.  Come to find out, the thematic elements of the music are universal and the music is often just plain fun. We have dances and socials up at the pole and for the past several years it has been all blues music, all the time.

DM: Who are some of your favorite artists in the genre?

SC: It depends on my mood of course. There is so much to choose from and an astonishing amount of variety. I started out listening to some of the 50’s and 60’s Chess sides almost exclusively...you know all the masters, Little Walter, Muddy and Wolf, of course. I love Elmore James. 

Then I started getting into the post war, west coast stuff. I got hooked on that as well. There is just so much to explore. It’s a lot of fun. There are so many good young artists from all over the world. It is great to hear young people who have a feel for the music and watch as they pass it on to a new generation of listeners.

DM: Oh...by the way, thanks for The Complete Imperial Recordings of T-Bone Walker: 1950 – 1954 you brought me back in me back in 1991. What a great gift. I listened to it just the other night. Thank you.

SC: No sweat...it’s my job.

DM: Do you have a favorite Christmas blues song?

SC: Probably Charles Brown doing Merry Christmas Baby. That just never gets old.  I love everything he did anyway. He is one of my favorites. Oh, by the way, are you still enjoying that five disc box set I brought you several Christmases ago entitled The Essential Earliest Recordings on JSP?

DM: Absolutely! Thanks...we can talk blues music all day long, but I am sure our readers would like to know more about your operation. For instance, isn’t this your busy season? Why aren’t you at the North Pole making toys and making sure Prancer passes his physical...that kind of thing?

SC: These days my functions are largely ceremonial. As you might guess, we are operational up at the pole 365, 24/7. Our manufacturing plants have three shifts a day. We have been at this so long, we have become pretty good at it. I have good people, so I don’t have to be as hands on as I used to.

DM: The world’s population recently hit the seven billion mark. That, as I am sure you are aware, is double from what it was just a generation ago. Doesn’t this add to your work load and production schedules?

SC: Of course it does, but we are able to keep up quite well.

DM: How?

SC:  Modern technology and mechanization is the key. We use robotics and have modernized our manufacturing plants with some of the Japanese industrial models of management, quality control and redundancy. The elves share in the profits and are vested in the entire operation. We have to stay on the cutting edge if we are to get toys in the hands of every good little girl and boy.

DM: Have the percentages as they relate to the naughty and nice list changed much through the years. Are there trends in this area about which we should be concerned?  

SC: Not really. Kids are, for the most part, still pretty good. If there is a problem it is usually with the parents. I don’t know what you have read about me, but I am not going to punish a kid because his or her parents are not doing their job.

DM: Let’s talk about the elves. Is there a height limit?

SC: (laughs) I don’t know. That is a human resource question. I can have somebody from that department get in touch with you if you want.

I would however like to clear a few things up as there has always been a lot of misinformation about our corporate culture at the Pole. There was this 1964 TV movie based on a song by Gene Autry, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It created a lot of false impressions of what we do up there and how we operate. Autry made a fortune off that song and I sued him over its lyrical content. I was completely vindicated of some of the assertions that came from these lies.

We settled out of court. The part of the song that bothered me the most is the assertion that Rudolph was ostracized and not allowed to participate in recreational activity with the other reindeer. This hurt a lot. In the television show the elves were depicted as having the same kind of malice towards an individual who wanted to pursue a career in dentistry.

DM: If I may play devil’s advocate just for a moment. To forward the storyline the writers did take some dramatic license to end up with a tale of redemption.

SC: That’s true. I know that the story of Rudolph, Hermey the Elf and Yukon Cornelius becoming refugees and seeking asylum in the land of Misfit Toys is something we all can relate to on some level, but on the whole, I thought we had been made to look like mean, petty freaks. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not saying we all get along all the time. Most of the people, including the elves, have been with our organization for years. Many of these vertically challenged individuals are third and fourth generation associates. I just want to get that out there.

DM: I guess while we're on the subject, do you have a favorite Christmas show.

SC:  Easy...How the Grinch Stole Christmas. In that scene where the Grinch dresses up like me, I howl with laughter. The elves love it. Once a year, usually sometime in the middle of the summer, I’ll dress up like the Grinch and walk into one of our manufacturing facilities and stand before everybody and say, “You’re fired” like Donald Trump on that T.V. show.

I am not an American, so I suppose this is none of my business, but Dave how can a guy who has been on the naughty/bad list for years, be polling so high? He just refuses to be good, for goodness sake.   

DM: Sorry Santa, I have no idea. Have you seen the movie Elf? If so what are your thoughts?

SC: I was an unnamed executive producer and a consultant on the film. It was my idea to use Bob Newhart. I have some small issues, but in general, it’s pretty good.  They originally wanted Johnny Depp to play the title character. I didn’t think that would work. His grandfather was an elf who worked for me. I am glad I stuck to my guns on that one. Will Farrell was great. He is very tall and I think that is what makes it work.

DM: What are your thoughts as to Ed Asner’s portrayal of you in the film?

SC: I liked him better as Lou Grant.

DM: Do you have non-elf personnel working at the North Pole?

SC:  Yes...we outsource a lot of work. There are sub-contractors and even some part time or seasonal associates who come from the non-elf labor sector.

DM: Want another beer? I’m buying.

SC: Sure...but put your money away. I’m Santa for heaven sakes. Its December, the beer is on me Dave.

DM: Thanks. How did the whole operation start?

SC: Well as you probably know, much of my schtick, red suit, white beard and so on, came from my mentor Saint Nicholas. He was a Norwegian cat...great guy. I stole most of my chops from him. A lot of my mojo came from jolly old Saint Nicholas. I owe him a lot.

DM: ...and financing?

SC: Most of the early financing came from grant money. When that revenue stream dried up we began securing licensing agreements with Nike and others. When you see someone with one of those Santa hats or suits, we get a cut. That adds up very fast.

We have made some very lucrative patent deals and still do a lot of consulting work. Many of the efficiency models that Federal Express has made famous came from our people.  We were also on the cutting edge as it relates to GPS devices and so on. We were way ahead of the curve on these things. 

We had to be...I mean, say it is seven a.m. and some kid goes out to the living room, checks under the tree and no presents yet. What am I going to do? Text him and say, “Sorry Kyle, due to growing population levels on the planet, Santa will be little late this year. Now go back to bed.”  

DM: Are there any charitable causes or initiatives with which you get involved?

SC: What...passing out toys all over the world isn’t good enough for you Dave? (laughs) Just kidding...I think I know what you mean. We are very active in environmental causes. As you might suspect global warming and the loss of the polar ice caps is a huge concern. I am also the spokesperson for saving reindeers’ habitat. We have tried to get people to understand that global warming is real and that if something isn’t done immediately to reverse this trend we are all going to have a real sh*tty Christmas.   

DM: I get that, but what’s up with the cursing.

SC: I spend a lot of time in the malls surrounded by kids. This is why I like stopping into a bar now and again. I can let my hair down a bit. I hope you don’t mind a little salty language. If you do...see if you get that new translation software you wanted this year for your office. (laughs)...KIDDING. Oh by the way...do you really think you have been nice enough this year pal (pause/laughs) KIDDING.

DM: I appreciate your sense of humor, especially when it comes to your fashion sense.

SC:  Touché...it is all part of an image. The Santa brand is what keeps the whole thing going.

DM: This leads to another question. I know you value your privacy. Wouldn’t it be easier to not go with the red, maybe trim the beard, cut back on the carbs. (I point to his beer)…

SC: Look who’s talking. Thank God you got a haircut and trimmed your beard the other day. I thought you were trying to cut in on my action. It still looks like you could pass for a mall Santa, but seriously...I think you could stand to lose a few pounds yourself Dave.

DM: Point well taken, but to my question about the red suit and all.

SC:  You know what the funny part is...everyone thinks I am a guy dressed like Santa or a guy who looks like Santa. I go into a bar, go to a ball game or blues festival people walk up to me and ask, ‘Has anyone ever told you look like Santa?’

DM: What do you say?

SC: Oh different things. Sometimes I say in this loud exaggerated voice, “WHO?” My favorite is when I say, “I AM Santa. You have a problem with that?” They usually want to argue with me about the whole thing.  I laugh and say to myself, ‘I know some old dumbbell who is not getting a new smart phone this year.’

DM: This kind of leads to a sensitive question. I am sure you are aware there are those who say that you don’t exist.

SC: (Laughing) Who do you think just bought you your last beer, the Easter Bunny? (still laughing) Why don’t you ask Mrs. Claus if I am real? She gets off in about ten minutes (pointing to the bartender).

DM: Nicely played.  Congratulations....

SC: Thanks Dave.  Chicks dig the whole naughty and nice routine. I have it down pat. (again he lets loose a hearty laugh)

DM: I thought it was the Harley.

SC: No, Dave a lot of guys have motorcycles. On the other hand a tricked out sled with flying reindeer is a huge turn on for the ladies...trust me.

I also think it is important to have a sense of humor. You have to have that in my business. Take last week. I am in this mall in Topeka, Kansas. This kid is sitting on my leg which fell asleep about a half an hour before. My sciatica is killing me and he is so excited to see me, he pisses all down my leg. I don’t say anything.  I am still all HO HO HO and sh*t. Then the dad says, “Hey Santa, shouldn’t you be writing this down.” I am thinking to myself, ‘Shouldn’t you be training your kid how to use a damn toilet?’ Plus...I am Santa. I don’t have to write this stuff down. The whole sitting on my lap is all for show anyway. I don’t know where that started, but the kids get a kick out of it so I play along. By the way the jolly part is kind of a myth, but I do have pretty good sense of humor and like I said, chicks dig that.

DM: For years there has been a lot of discussion and speculation as to your thoughts on the “mall Santa.”

SC: It used to bother me, but I just had to let it go. Kids are smart. They know the score. Their parents say that the fake Santa works for me and gathers the lists and what not. Sometimes the parents say they refer to the fake Santa as one of my helpers, but kids know the genuine article. You can’t fool them. Just this afternoon I was in Fashion Island not far from here in Newport Beach (starts to whisper), I was at Fredericks of Hollywood picking up the a little something for Holly to put under the tree.

DM: You have a tree?

SC: Of course...I will never understand why that is a surprise to everybody. Where was I? Oh yeah, I pass by this fake Santa and he almost craps himself, when he sees me. All the kids who were in line to see this pervert get out of line and race after me and right into Fredericks. Now I am a little embarrassed by the whole thing. “Mommy, Mommy you should see what kind of clothing Mrs. Claus wears. I think she is going to freeze to death.” What a nightmare. The parents are giving me dirty looks.

DM: If you don’t mind me asking, why don’t you have the elves make the garment?  Your textile and fashion divisions up there are legendary.

SC: Elves can’t keep a secret.

DM: I see. How long have you and Holly been together if you don’t mind me asking?

SC: You don’t read the National Enquirer do you?  About five years or so.... I think…

(Holly yells across the room, “Six years, two months and three days.”)  

DM: It has been widely reported that you have been married over 600 times.

SC: It is 668 if you count that one super model I married twice, six years apart. What can I tell you Dave? I am a hopeless romantic. It’s not easy finding the right woman. (He winks in the direction of Holly who was watching us from across the room as she was cleaning a glass.) They have to be patient with my work load, travel, personal appearances and all of the Santa groupies and all that goes with that. That’s a lot to put up with.  A lot of women want a husband to be home all the time. That’s just not me.

Obviously, because of my job, I have to spend a lot of time at the North Pole. I can’t meet any women up there.

DM: Why?

SC: They are all way too short for me. So I often meet women, who as you might suspect, are in retail.  We get married and as it turns out, they don’t like the cold weather. I mean, where do these woman think Santa’s Village is located, Miami?

Anyway as I get a little older, I try and get away from the North Pole as much as I can.  I just can’t handle the cold climate as well as I did just a few years ago. I met Holly right here in California. She is down to earth, smart and knows how to pour a beer. I take her on the road with me sometimes, as the green eyes are perfect and go with the Christmas themed color motif. She is the last Mrs. Claus.

DM: That is wonderful. What’s she doing tending bar, may I ask?

SC: She likes being somewhat incognito. There is a lot of media scrutiny being Mrs. Claus. If she is on the other side of the bar and not sitting next to me, she isn’t subject to the paparazzi, which these days is everyone who has a phone in their pocket. Some people value their privacy and Holly just happens to be one of them.

DM: ...and I value and respect your time, so I’m going to ask you just one more question with a follow up. I’ve always wondered if anybody ever asks you what you want for Christmas.   

SC: Never!

DM: OK then, if someone were to ask you what you wanted for Christmas, what would you tell them?

SC: World peace... that’s all. I visit all parts of the planet and people pretty much want the same thing; a decent life for themselves and their families. Our ideological and religious differences are just manufactured concepts to keep us fighting with one another. For the most part people have goodness in their hearts. Yeah, Dave, world peace...That would do it for me.

DM: Thanks Santa...

SC: My pleasure. It was fun. Stay in touch. Oh and Dave....Have a Merry Christmas, OK.