I had dinner at a restaurant last night with friends. Someone in my party picked a new restaurant at which none of us had eaten and that the four of us will never, ever try again. The food was reasonably good and reasonably priced considering its proximity to the beach, which was right across the street. Even though the place didn’t have a view of any kind, it still had beach pricing. I get that. It comes with the territory, as they say.

What was infuriating was the fact that instead of giving your order to a service person, each table was handed a tablet and you were given a primer on how to use it by a service (IT) person. I wasn’t going to say anything to this young, friendly tech support person, as she is just doing her job and I didn’t want to make the people in my party uncomfortable.

Well that thought passed quickly.

This wasn’t just about tonight’s dinner. It was about the future. I envisioned a world in which while ordering a meal with one of my exotic permutations, such as please no salt, olives, or any other damn thing floating in my bloody mary, I am suddenly talking to Mumbai on my phone. Wait a minute, what if God forbid I go out to eat with friends without a phone? I don’t think that is possible as scientists agree that our electronic balls and chains somehow help our digestive track. So I’m trying to order a drink and I’m on the phone to my tech support person in Mumbai. “Please do calm down Mr. David. We will have your beverage to you in no time. For our records can you tell me what is it about the olives that you do not like. Oh Mr. David that type of language will not help to get your beverage to you any faster.”  

I then snapped out of my nightmare/dream sequence so I could give my full attention to our charming IT consultant/waitress.

The way it was explained to us was “for our convenience and to insure prompt and accurate ordering and billing....” Hold it right there cupcake. It isn’t for our convenience, it is for the restaurant’s. I already knew by the time I was our tech support person’s age, which I’m gauging as early twenties, that when any sentence begins with the words “For your convenience...” one is about to be screwed...hard and the screwee (the customer) is supposed to take this abuse with a smile.

I get the tablet concept. The restaurant can hire any doofus or doofete to act like a waiter or waitress and all they really are is an IT person who pulls food out of the kitchen and brings it to the properly numbered table. This cuts down on training expenses. It lets the restaurant draw from a talent pool of young people raised staring at flat screens all day and who have reached adulthood with all the communication skills of a squirrel. It virtually insures that this particular restaurant will attract and maintain the worst service people in the region. They will have to operate on reduced tips and there will be increased turnover, but that is factored into this sick, calculated affront to humanity.

I explained to our “service” person that many people, including all four of us at my table, work five days a week or more in front of a computer. We don’t go out to eat so that we can sit in front of another. She smiled and said, “Oh come on, it’s easy.” I told her, “I’m sure it is, but that is not my point.” She then said, “Everyone else loves the system.”

I looked around and saw that everyone in the joint were gen X zombies of which 80% had their cute little faces in their smart phones while ignoring others in their party. There was some kind of music playing that was so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think let alone have a conversation with people at your own table.

This might be why we are handed a flat screen in which we can interact rather than do that with humans. If humans get together they might communicate with one another. There might be a free flowing conversation which might stimulate thought of some kind. This though could in some way be subversive. Maybe someone at one of these tables might even question why they just purchased a $13.00 grilled cheese sandwich or why we have an electoral college, Guantanamo Bay or super delegates. The very fiber that holds this nation together might unravel. I believe it is just part of that institutionalized plan to dumb down America.

I sensed that everyone in my party had had enough of me, so I let it go. I then had quietly to endure the reminder, as if this hadn’t all ready occurred it me, that this is the wave of the future and that I need to get on board. I explained to them that it doesn’t have to be the wave of the future and, that as customers, we get to decide. You know, unlike Presidential elections.

I was then told by another person in my party that they have these devices in Chile’s. This information didn’t surprise me. Chile’s has been the vanguard in flavor removal technology for many years. They can now remove the only reason people tolerate food that bland and that is the Chile’s attitude...you know the flair.  I haven’t been to a Chile’s in twenty years. I feel very fortunate not to find myself in a situation where I was forced to eat in that establishment. Now I find out that they have table top tablet technology. Well woopty fucking doo.

I went on to explain to the two people in my party who don’t know me that well that I’m not a Luddite and am not automatically predisposed to be reticent to change. I’m sure that in their minds they’re thinking ‘This guy listens to blues music and watches baseball. I’m surprised he can actually walk upright.’, and were wagering on whether or not I use cutlery. I knew what they were thinking. ‘I’ll bet Dave doesn’t like the designated hitter or Lady Gaga.’ For the record the answer is “No” and “I don’t know.”

It was now time to get down to business. Everyone passed the tablet around the table and all put in our drink orders.  This is in and of itself a departure and again further undermines the socialization of dining out with friends. The conversation grinds to a halt as each person watches the other press the touch screen. When it came to me I just handed the tablet to the person to my right looked the waitress in the eye and ordered a Makers Mark on the rocks. To her great credit she smiled and said that she would be right back with our drinks.

The drinks came out in a reasonable amount of time, even though I potentially put a kink in this high tech system. Bravo!

Then what followed was an absolute comedy of errors, where in every single person got served at different times by different people. This was done without apology or explanation, but with all the joy and glee of a future Stepford wife on a first date. The highlight was when we were finished eating our meals the appetizer was served by a male tech support person with the declaration “Wooo Hoo! Here is your appetizer.” By this time we just erupted in spontaneous laughter.

My party then did as I had done on our first round of drinks set our computer aside and all looked at yet another service person and ordered directly. We did this with gigantic smiles and without apology. I was, for the first time, the leader in a mini revolt. I was the Che Guevara at an overpriced sandwich shop which specializes in exotic cheeses, various bacon dishes and salt. When she asked if we wanted dessert I asked for an angioplasty. She said, “I’m not sure if we have that. I’ll check for you though.” As sweet as that was, I said “No. I’ll pass, I’m watching my weight.” 

As we were getting ready to again engage the computer for payment procedures another person came by to ask if everything was OK...before I could say a word she offered up the following piece of information. “Yeah, like old people sometimes have a problem with the tablet.”  

She ended every sentence with that relatively new “up speak” chick accent where every sentence ends sounding like they are asking a question. This of course made me like all mad. Then I went like whatEVER.

Lesson learned...always be very leery, if not downright suspicious, when any business or public institution begins explaining their procedures by saying, “for your convenience” because it never and I repeat never is for your convenience. If it is really for our convenience it is automatically abundantly clear and therefore it doesn’t have to be said. At this point in my life I have to make a conscious effort not to reflexively bend over every time I hear that ubiquitous pre-amble.

“For your convenience we will be boarding your flight at gate forty two, a half a mile away, in three minutes. For our customers who aren’t middle distance Olympic track stars, for your convenience, all three hundred of you can cram into the six golf carts which will be assembling for your convenience somewhere near you. Have a nice flight and thank you for choosing Fuck You Airlines.” 

The only thing I did for my convenience was under tip and even then I felt kind of guilty that some greedy bastard put some very nice young people into the position of having to defend this ludicrous dining trend to the likes of me.

I find it so interesting to have lived a life that is split down the middle between a pre and post internet, digital, “information age.” What technology provides us can be so wonderful. I think about this when my 5,000 some CDs can be stored, sorted and retrieved on my lap top. I think about it when I can write letters via email and have them delivered anywhere in the world instantly. I love using the instant message feature on Facebook for the same reason. I think about it the most when I see pictures of my granddaughter in real time a continent away on my phone, so I can show them to anybody and everybody I encounter.

Yet with all this technology at our fingertips are we happier and smarter? There isn’t any strong evidence to suggest that this is the case. With all of our electronic connectivity are we more empathetic to our fellow man? Again, it doesn’t look like it. I love to read a handful of newspapers on line each morning without going to the new stand. Am I better informed? Not by a long shot. Do they still have newsstands? I don’t know.  

When I first saw that table top tablet technology last night I also was reminded of the early 70’s Woody Allen film, Sleeper. It was a sci-fi slapstick comedy where Allen’s character was frozen and then unfrozen in the future. He was thrust into a social setting with this society’s intellectual and artistic community. However, technology had rendered them all as dumb as a box of rocks. They were docile individuals who tolerated a police state and blindly followed the head of the government. He was simply called, “Our Leader.” He had been dead for some time, but nobody even noticed. Holy crap Woody we got there in only 45 years and nobody (to my knowledge) has even invented the orgasmatron.

What we must appreciate is that every single piece of technology that is thrust at us also carries with it the inevitable rule of unintended consequences. I think human interaction is important. I think it is why we go out to dinner in the first place. It is a shared experience and that is something, to various degrees, almost all humans crave. It is part of what makes us human in the first place.

I’m leery of anything that is an obvious affront to our humanity. To quote the great Steve Jobs when asked what achievements of which he is most proud, “I’m most proud of the thing WE didn’t do.”

That pretty much sums up why I am troubled by the table top tablet technology. Just because we are capable doesn’t mean we should.  Oh and had I gone along with the program like a good zombie consumer I would have seen on my tablet that they charge two dollars extra for drinks with ice cubes in them. Dammit, I’m starting to bend over again. A few ice cubes for a couple of bucks. It’s a brave new world indeed. I guess somebody has to pay for those computers at every table. On my way out the door, I find out it’s me. That will teach me that there is always a price to pay for rebellion, as if I didn’t already know.

-David Mac

Editor’s note: The name of the restaurant is Saint Marc and is located in the brand new Pacific City multi use dining and retail complex in Huntington Beach, California on Pacific Coast Highway and Twin Dolphin Road. Try the Sun Devil Sandwich. It’s pretty damn good.



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